2017: The Year Denim Jumped the Shark

"The skinny jean is dead!" declared joyous fashion editors in 2016 (or was it 2015?). Finally, we could ditch those ugly, sensible jeans that looked good with heels or flats, on tall or short, curvy or not, and wear something more EXCITING. Audrey Hepburn never wore a pair of cropped flares, so what did she know about fashion? NOTHING. 

And then, 2017 rolls around and something phenomenal happens...everyone has lost their ever-loving minds. I'm calling it now - denim, as a whole, is officially dead. We are truly living in the darkest timeline.

1. Clear Knee Jeans, $95.

clear-jeans.jpg

We thought this was the height of fug. When these jeans hit Topshop's online shelves, they were immediate Buzzfeed fodder. I scoured Pinterest to see if anyone bought these ugly things and guess what?? Nope. No one saw the need to show off their sexy knees. Which, by the way, isn't a thing. Google "ugly celebrity knees" and tell me that people should be wearing clear knee jeans. They're the first thing to go.

2. Clear Jeans. Totally clear. Yep, $210.

Not to be outdone, many companies decided to mass produce jeans that were made entirely of plastic. Never mind that they'd steam up the first time you stepped foot outside in summer! What do you wear under these? I mean, holographic underwear *IS* an inspired choice, but in what world would I be like, "Hey, this is a good idea. I can NOT wear pants while WEARING PANTS. Let's find out which parts of my body sweat the most!"

3. Garter Jeans, $505.

Ever feel like what the world needs is more butts? Me either. I'm blaming West World for the modern chaps vibe.

4. Zipper Jeans, $1870.

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Bathrooms are hard to navigate. Make it easier by putting a zipper on every fabric surface! Who doesn't want a fully unzippable crotch? Bonus: the fit is flattering in the same way the Derelicte collection from Zoolander was feasible. Oh, wait! It basically is now.

5. Patchwork Jeans, $2390.

These are actually the least offensive of the whole group, besides the price. If you've got $2400 burn and a nostalgic yearning for the 90's, you too can be a walking Gucci monstrosity. You'll look amazing at Burning Man. Everyone will envy you, until you cut them off because it's 1000° and you need to barter the bell bottoms for water.

6. Whatever these things are, $575.

DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF WHY. Not only am I perplexed by how these would even stay up without a waistband - is "Pirates of the Caribbean Chic" the next big thing in fashion? Stay tuned.

7. Inside Out Jeans, $209.

Kris Kross'll make you...turn your jeans inside out, because you spilled red wine on them at lunch and don't want anyone at work to think you're an alcoholic. 

Follow up question: Do I put my wallet on the inside?

8. More Ruffle Jeans, $360.

Nothing says, "I'm a functioning adult!" like flamenco denim. Honestly, I was shocked to discover that these were not, in fact, toddler jeans, but pants for a grown woman with $360 she either has to spend or eat whole.

9. Lace Up Jeans, $625.

In the wake of the very popular lace up top from last summer, LACE UP JEANS are the latest thing to hit the streets. I hate these so much, I can't even come up with a joke for them. Talk about needing to tie up loose ends. *badum ching*

10. The Insta-Jorts, $425.

And finally, the pièce de résistance, THE CONVERTIBLE JEAN JORTS. Yes, these Opening Ceremony nightmares pop their legs off so you can prance around in an adult denim diaper. You hear that sound? That's the aliens turning their ships back around and deciding nope, we're not gonna contact Earth after all.

At this point, I should be glad people are wearing pants at all (I'm looking at you, Ariana Grande). If you need me, I'll be over here in my jeggings. And heck yeah, I affiliate linked some of these jeans. If I have to look at these things, I should at least get that 2 cents from you clicking on them. Better yet, if you buy those Gucci jeans, I'll take you out for a drink with the commish.

VIVA LE MOM JEANS!

Sometimes I Shop :: May Trunk Club Review

It's time for another Trunk Club review! I've gotten a few the past couple of months I haven't reviewed fully, because my stylist Jayme and I were on two different pages for spring. Warmer weather is hard to shop for, but she sent a top-knotch Trunk this week and I can't wait to share it with you!

For those of you who don't know, Trunk Club is a personal shopping service that sends you a giant box of clothes and shoes hand picked by your stylist so you can try everything on at home and send back what you don't want. It's so much more personalized than services like Le Tote or StitchFix, because you can message back and forth with your stylist; you even preview your trunk before she ships it and choose what to send, and what you're not loving. If you want to try it, you can sign up here.

The packaging, of course, is always so lovely and it's free to ship and return. Trunk Club has honestly become one of my favorite ways to discover new brands and styles. Here's what Jayme sent this month:

Ruffle Detail Floral Print Tank, Lush, $35

Cute summery tank from Lush, a brand I am really starting to love. Their stuff is cute but very affordable! I passed on this since it wasn't a huge need, but I liked it.

Side Ruched Body-Con Dress, Treasure&Bond, $59

This dress was one of the things in my preview Trunk that I LOVED, and it did not disappoint. There's ruching all down the side so it's a flattering fit, but it's a super soft jersey material that will be clutch for the summer. KEPT IT. I also ADORED these espadrilles...

Marcey Espadrille, Paul Green, $299

...but the price tag is just too steep for right now. I'm going to put them on my wishlist and hope for a sale before summer is over. Not only were they SO COMFY, the little ties were just too cute. I had never heard of Paul Green before, but these shoes seem very well made! See what I mean about new brands? I don't know if I would have picked these out for myself, but they were one of my favorite items and terribly difficult to let go.

Frayed Hem Side Slits Denim Shorts, STS BLUE, $39

STS Blue is another new brand to me, but I'm definitely going to check them out again! I kept these super soft, stretchy cut-offs and imagine I'll be wearing them all summer long. For $39, I am thrilled - especially since I bought some size large shorts from Forever recently that I couldn't even get over my thighs.

Block Stripe Split Back Top, Two by Vince Camuto $59

Do you ever have that thought when you're shopping that something is cute, but maybe not $59 cute? That's how I felt with this top. I actually think the style is really unique with the split back, but there were other things in the box I wanted more so I passed on this one. JUST BARELY...I may have been influenced slightly by my husband. When I told him I got another Trunk, he said, "Oh wow, I can't wait to see what striped shirt you buy to go with all of your other striped shirts." Insert *monkey covering his eyes* emoji here.

Grace Slide SandalSteve Madden, $49.95
Taya Espadrille Flat, Dolce Vita, $119.95

Jayme sent these other two pairs of flats, which were only so/so for me. I recently got a pair of black "X" slides similar to the Steve Maddens, and I felt like they showed too much toe. The Dolce Vita espadrilles were cute, but a little snug. Both passes.

Dress, No idea, no idea the price, can't find it anywhere.

No idea where this dress is from, because I didn't save the little card like an idiot blogger. It wasn't really flattering, but it had pockets. However....I basically have this dress already anyway, so it was a pass. Ugh, just realized this dress makes me look pregnant. HARD pass, then.

This was another hard pass for me. While I appreciate what she was trying to do here, the whole thing was overwhelming on my frame and way too boho for my liking. I felt like I was about to go down to a river to be baptized by someone in overalls. Or sacrificed. Either/or.

Surprise! You know what I definitely needed? Another black top. Whatever, this one from Lush was SO reasonably priced and I love the longer back thing it's got going on. In fact, I put on both these shorts and this top to take my Trunk to UPS.

Three things from Trunk Club this time, not too shabby! If you haven't done Trunk Club before, please consider using my referral link; I'll get a credit to use on my next one, and then you can share the wealth with your friends with your referral link. They charge a $25 styling fee to send a Trunk, but that is applied as a credit to whatever you buy. Nordstrom Card users get Trunks for FREE, fyi, if you're thinking of becoming a cardholder! 

Who's gotten a Trunk and reviewed it lately? Shoot me your links below! And if you'd like to see the Trunks I've gotten in the past, you can find them here.

AJ Wears :: A Lemon Dress

On my way to work this morning, I thought extensively about the new Beauty and The Beast. While it was magical and enchanting and Emma Watson was a lovely Belle, I found myself thinking it would have been even better had they hired someone who could really sing. Her voice was so over-processed and pushed that they could never have tackled one of my favorite numbers from the Broadway show, Home. A more seasoned singer could have knocked that out of the PARK and introduced a beautiful song to new generations. This is what bothered me about La La Land too - I TOTALLY get that Emma & Ryan would draw in a crowd, and the movie is about normal "just like us" people but why not give that opportunity to a Broadway actress? As someone who spent years of her life in musical theatre and voice lessons, it's always bothered me when lesser-known actresses get glazed over for famous girls that can't really sing that well.

Side note: Did you hear Emma Watson was cast in both B&TB & La La Land and had to choose? Ugh. Really loved you as Hermione and feminist, tho. 

WHILE I'M ON THE SUBJECT - Can we please get a lesser known musical for those "blah blah blah LIVE!" productions? Err'body in the world has seen Grease. Let's see Crazy For You or Thoroughly Modern Millie or Kiss Me Kate or okay now I'm just naming all of the musicals I like.

Anyway, here's what I wore this weekend.

And since I only managed to snap two photos on my iPhone of this outfit, here's a selfie with a corndog. Super casual.

Dress, Forever 21 (as I predicted on Twitter - this has sold out. Check local stores and blame Gal Meets Glam's large following for buying it out // this one's cute tho).
Shoes, Donina by JustFab.
Bag, Louis Vuitton.