2017: The Year Denim Jumped the Shark

"The skinny jean is dead!" declared joyous fashion editors in 2016 (or was it 2015?). Finally, we could ditch those ugly, sensible jeans that looked good with heels or flats, on tall or short, curvy or not, and wear something more EXCITING. Audrey Hepburn never wore a pair of cropped flares, so what did she know about fashion? NOTHING. 

And then, 2017 rolls around and something phenomenal happens...everyone has lost their ever-loving minds. I'm calling it now - denim, as a whole, is officially dead. We are truly living in the darkest timeline.

1. Clear Knee Jeans, $95.

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We thought this was the height of fug. When these jeans hit Topshop's online shelves, they were immediate Buzzfeed fodder. I scoured Pinterest to see if anyone bought these ugly things and guess what?? Nope. No one saw the need to show off their sexy knees. Which, by the way, isn't a thing. Google "ugly celebrity knees" and tell me that people should be wearing clear knee jeans. They're the first thing to go.

2. Clear Jeans. Totally clear. Yep, $210.

Not to be outdone, many companies decided to mass produce jeans that were made entirely of plastic. Never mind that they'd steam up the first time you stepped foot outside in summer! What do you wear under these? I mean, holographic underwear *IS* an inspired choice, but in what world would I be like, "Hey, this is a good idea. I can NOT wear pants while WEARING PANTS. Let's find out which parts of my body sweat the most!"

3. Garter Jeans, $505.

Ever feel like what the world needs is more butts? Me either. I'm blaming West World for the modern chaps vibe.

4. Zipper Jeans, $1870.

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Bathrooms are hard to navigate. Make it easier by putting a zipper on every fabric surface! Who doesn't want a fully unzippable crotch? Bonus: the fit is flattering in the same way the Derelicte collection from Zoolander was feasible. Oh, wait! It basically is now.

5. Patchwork Jeans, $2390.

These are actually the least offensive of the whole group, besides the price. If you've got $2400 burn and a nostalgic yearning for the 90's, you too can be a walking Gucci monstrosity. You'll look amazing at Burning Man. Everyone will envy you, until you cut them off because it's 1000° and you need to barter the bell bottoms for water.

6. Whatever these things are, $575.

DEAR SWEET MOTHER OF WHY. Not only am I perplexed by how these would even stay up without a waistband - is "Pirates of the Caribbean Chic" the next big thing in fashion? Stay tuned.

7. Inside Out Jeans, $209.

Kris Kross'll make you...turn your jeans inside out, because you spilled red wine on them at lunch and don't want anyone at work to think you're an alcoholic. 

Follow up question: Do I put my wallet on the inside?

8. More Ruffle Jeans, $360.

Nothing says, "I'm a functioning adult!" like flamenco denim. Honestly, I was shocked to discover that these were not, in fact, toddler jeans, but pants for a grown woman with $360 she either has to spend or eat whole.

9. Lace Up Jeans, $625.

In the wake of the very popular lace up top from last summer, LACE UP JEANS are the latest thing to hit the streets. I hate these so much, I can't even come up with a joke for them. Talk about needing to tie up loose ends. *badum ching*

10. The Insta-Jorts, $425.

And finally, the pièce de résistance, THE CONVERTIBLE JEAN JORTS. Yes, these Opening Ceremony nightmares pop their legs off so you can prance around in an adult denim diaper. You hear that sound? That's the aliens turning their ships back around and deciding nope, we're not gonna contact Earth after all.

At this point, I should be glad people are wearing pants at all (I'm looking at you, Ariana Grande). If you need me, I'll be over here in my jeggings. And heck yeah, I affiliate linked some of these jeans. If I have to look at these things, I should at least get that 2 cents from you clicking on them. Better yet, if you buy those Gucci jeans, I'll take you out for a drink with the commish.

VIVA LE MOM JEANS!